I’ve recently found out from a reliable source that a very good friend of mine’s husband is having an affair, but I don’t know if I should be the one to tell her
This is a generic photo of a woman receiving a shocking text message while sitting next to a friend having coffee.(Image: Alamy/PA)
I have good friend who I have known for about 10 years.
She’s always been there for me, especially when my marriage fell apart three years ago.
Unfortunately, it looks like her own marriage is also heading for the rocks.
I’ve recently found out from a reliable source that her husband is having an affair, and it’s been going on for more than four years.
She has no idea that he’s doing this, she thinks the world of him, or that it’s her cousin he’s seeing.
My first thought was to tell her straight away as I feel that he’s making a fool of her, but then I realised that there’s an awful lot of people who are going to be hurt by this.
My friend has three children, and her cousin has a young daughter, and there’s also all the parents to consider.
If I tell her, it will probably break up two marriages and cause a lot of heartache for everyone concerned.
But I also hate the idea that he’s getting away with it.
What should I do?
JENNIFER SAYS : You’re right, this sad situation could mean the implosion of more than one family.
That said, don’t let that distract you form the key fact that your friend is living a lie, and you know it.
Before you say anything though, be absolutely sure the information you have really is from a reliable source.
Sharing this information with her is potentially life-altering so you need to be sure, and if there’s any doubt at all, don’t pass it on.
If you think it’s credible though, it might be good idea to give her husband the opportunity to come clean.
Quietly inform him that you know what’s been going on and that knowing it puts you in an impossible position, so he needs to tell his wife or else you feel you’ll have to.
The onus then is on him to make things right and hopefully he’ll do so – although, of course, he might just continue the affair and be more discreet about it.
If he refuses or stalls, then you need to decide whether to keep the secret.
If you do, be aware that you’d then be participating in the deception and that your friend may feel deeply betrayed if she subsequently finds out and that you knew all along.
When and if you do tell her, do it privately and stick to the facts as you know them.
If you have evidence, use it.
She’ll no doubt be hurt, and she may well be angry with you, but she’d be damaged a whole lot more in the future if this lie is allowed to continue.
Yes, this may well end the two marriages involved but, in many ways, they are already broken.
Ultimately this comes down to a choice; preserve a hurtful facade or do the right thing for a friend who has trusted you for a decade.
I don’t know your friend and hopefully you’ll know her as well as you say you do so in the end you have to judge whether telling her or not is the right thing to do.
One other thought, to complicate the mix – perhaps your friend already knows about the affair and thinks it’s better to live with the lies rather than face the truth.
Telling her that you know would make her realise the affair is already public knowledge.
That would force her to decide whether to continue with the façade of a happy marriage or not.
You have a difficult juggling act to face here so think carefully about your friend, and how she reacts to things before saying anything.
MY PARTNER REFUSES TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD – WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I really want another child, but my partner is set against it as he thinks we simply can’t afford it.
I’ve argued that we shouldn’t let money determine a decision like this, but he just won’t see sense.
I’ve thought about getting pregnant anyway simply to force the issue.
However, he may have realised I was considering this and has recently started wearing a condom, something he’s never done before, as I am on the pill.
It’s clear he doesn’t trust me anymore on this and I hope I haven’t ruined things because I really want another child with him.
Surely, he must want another child at some stage?
JENNIFER SAYS : Why must he?
This isn’t a case of him “not seeing sense”, it’s a fundamental disagreement.
What you don’t seem to understand is that he’s completely entitled to have his own opinion on the matter, and parenthood is a joint decision.
You’ve already thought about getting pregnant without his knowledge, which is a serious breach of trust.
Were you to do it anyway, you won’t fix the problem, you’ll more likely damage the relationship – possibly beyond repair.
Rather than try to force the issue, address it properly with a calm discussion about finances and what would need to change for him to reconsider and when.
You need to face the reality, though, that he may never want another child.
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