This week, Jennifer offers her advice to someone who has fallen out with her friend due to her having an affair with a married man plus someone struggling with their ex excluding their new husband
A concerned friend
I FELL OUT WITH MY FRIEND OVER HER AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN
I always thought my friend was a sensible person, until she started having an affair with a married man six months ago.
She talked about him endlessly and what makes it worse is I know her husband well and have had to keep her dirty secret, so it feels like I’ve been lying to him too.
I’ve hinted many times that it’s a bad idea and I am uncomfortable being her sounding board, but she just says she loves him.
It finally got to me last week when she said he wants her to leave her husband, and I lost my temper.
I told her she was a thoughtless, selfish idiot for having this affair and I didn’t want to hear anything more about it.
We haven’t spoken since and I am worried that I’ve lost my oldest friend.
What can I do to put things right?
JENNIFER SAYS:
Please don’t feel bad about sounding off, you reacted instinctively to what you thought was a bad idea and told her so.
That said, it probably wasn’t a good idea to actually lose your temper.
It likely that, despite the many hints you gave, your friend didn’t fully understand just how unhappy you were being a party to her guilty secret.
If you value this friendship, I suggest you reach out and apologise for losing your temper, but not for the concerns you have.
Explain that you reacted so strongly because you’re worried about her and felt this man was taking advantage of her.
Make it clear that if she continues to see him, you don’t want to know what’s going on.
Hopefully, she’ll value your friendship too and be able to forgive you.
MY EX WANTS TO EXCLUDE MY NEW HUSBAND
I remarried a year ago and, after some initial friction, my children now get on really well with their new stepfather.
However, my ex-husband is being a pain. He’s constantly on the phone criticising everything we do with the children and wanting to be involved in every single decision concerning them.
He wants to know what they eat and when, also when they go to bed. He even expects us to let him know if we take the children out anywhere.
He’s also made it clear that my new husband should have no part in these decisions.
He says he’s concerned about the children but, in reality, all he does is cause more upset by constantly interfering in their daily lives.
I’ve tried to explain this to him, but he just won’t listen.
My new husband is getting fed up with the constant questioning and is becoming increasing angry towards my ex.
He thinks I should stand up to him and ignore what he says.
But how can I?
JENNIFER SAYS:
It’s never easy settling children into a new marriage at the best of times, less so when an ex-husband insists on making life difficult.
You’re right to want your children to continue to have a relationship with their father – he does after all, have legal parental responsibility for them.
However, that does not give him the right to constantly undermine your household routines.
His so-called concern sounds more like control to me, so you will likely need to calmly set some new, firm boundaries.
Make a start by explaining that you’ll only discuss those significant matters. If he continues to try to interfere in the children’s home life, don’t engage, and simply end the conversation.
If necessary, block his voice or video calls and switch messaging to email or texts..
Mediation can also define or re-establish communication methods and frequency, so your ex can’t demand constant updates.
If he refuses to engage, your only other option is to re-visit your court order, take legal advice and enforce sensible boundaries.
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