About two years ago I was in my first real relationship, but I don’t want my new boyfriend, who is kind, caring, understanding and affectionate, to know what I did
This is a generic photo of a woman sitting at the end of a bed in front of her boyfriend deep in thought.(Image: Alamy/PA)
I am very much in love with a man I recently met, and we’ve become very close. He’s kind, understanding, affectionate and fun to be around.
The only downside is that he wants to know everything about my past relationships, and that’s a big problem.
About two years ago I was in my first real relationship, but it was toxic as my boyfriend went out of his way to make my life hell.
For example, we would arrange to go out, only for him to not show up then, when I did see him, he’d not only not apologise, but would tease me that he was with his other girlfriend.
Most of the time we’d simply go drinking and then his teasing would get worse. He never hit me but seemed to enjoy messing around with my head just to make me miserable.
Initially I took all this to be just his way, a bit of a joke, but eventually I found out that he had, in fact, been sleeping around. And to make it worse, some of them were my so-called friends.
It all got too much for me and towards the end of our relationship I did some really stupid and dangerous things to pay him back – the worst of which was sleeping with his brother. I also slept with a couple of his friends too.
I’m not proud of what I did but I was so angry at the time and just wanted to hurt him as much as possible.
Anyway, I have told my boyfriend nothing about this and have deflected his questions, but I hate keeping things from him, it feels like lying.
I really want this to work but I am scared that if he finds out about the things I did, he will leave me.
I feel so guilty, what should I do?
JENNIFER SAYS: You can’t undo the things you’ve done but I think it’s time you let them go.
You were treated incredibly badly by your ex; his behaviour was manipulative and unkind.
You know that your response to that treatment wasn’t your finest hour, but in the context of what he was doing to you, it was understandable and forgivable.
So forgive yourself, because dwelling on it doesn’t help.
You’ve now got a chance at a real loving relationship, and it would be a shame to spoil it by feeling guilty and tying yourself in knots unnecessarily.
This isn’t about telling your new man everything or nothing at all, it’s about telling him just enough truth without it becoming a full-blown confession.
He doesn’t need a blow-by-blow of account of everything you did when you were hurt and angry, as that would likely just sabotage your new relationship.
Nor is it a good idea to continue dodging his questions, as this will likely just make him suspicious.
Instead, when he next asks, simply say your previous relationship was deeply hurtful and that you would rather not talk about it.
That’s an honest answer and if he’s as kind as you say, he should be able to accept this and move on.
There’s no real reason why he should ever find out but, if he does, acknowledge it.
Explain that you were angry and behaved in ways that you’re not proud of.
Again, he doesn’t need the details, instead emphasise that you’re not that person now.
If he then judges you solely on that one messy chapter in your life that you’ve now outgrown, perhaps he’s not as kind and understanding as you’d hoped.
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