A parent is asking for advice as her son’s temper is getting out of hand and he can’t be calmed down, while a wife struggles with the fact her husband sits around after retirement
A young boy sits at a desk indoors with his head in his hands, appearing stressed while looking at an open book or workbook. The scene conveys frustration with schoolwork in a home setting.(Image: Getty Images)
MY SON IS ALWAYS LOSING HIS TEMPER
My eight-year-old son is becoming very difficult.
He loses his temper a lot and nothing seems to calm him down.
We’ve tried pretending to lose our temper in return or just holding him until it passes, but nothing is working.
We feel his older sister and younger brother are losing out too as he seems to get most of our attention.
I’m sure they’re starting to resent having to tiptoe around him if he’s in one of his moods.
What are we doing wrong?
JENNIFER SAYS
You’re not doing anything wrong, but you may be inadvertently showing him that when he explodes, he gets all your attention.
Meanwhile your other children feel they have to adapt, so I am not surprised resentment is brewing.
Avoid matching his emotion by losing your temper or over-soothing.
Instead, stay calm yourself and give him a consistent message that you’ll talk again when he’s calm.
Then step back.
In time, he should learn that his meltdowns will no longer be the centre of family life.
Until then, please consider also ring-fencing some time for your other children to prevent further resentment.
If the behaviour continues, you might also consider involving his school and your GP in the process.
It’s possible that there is a root cause to this behaviour – such as ADHD or similar.
MY RETIRED HUSBAND JUST SITS AROUND
When my husband retired earlier this year, he was looking forward to doing all the things he never had time to do before.
For the first month he got up early, went for a walk and stopped in town for a coffee.
Then something seemed to change in him and things started to slide.
Now he sleeps until late morning and has stopped going out.
He often watches TV all day wearing the same clothes he slept in.
He’s also stopped showering regularly too.
Last week I finally lost my temper, something I rarely do, and basically told him to pull himself together.
I regretted it almost immediately, but we still ended up having a big row and haven’t really spoken to each other since.
What’s going on with him? Is he just lazy?
JENNIFER SAYS
I doubt he is lazy.
It’s far more likely that he’s simply lost his sense of purpose.
Retirement can knock people sideways, especially if the reality doesn’t match up to the expectations.
Your husband used to have routine and structure to his day, a reason to get out of bed if you will.
That’s gone, leaving a gaping hole in his life.
He was able to fill this temporarily with a honeymoon period of walks and coffee, but that too has gone.
What’s left are worrying signs that he may be depressed, sleeping late, not washing and withdrawing.
It’s understandable that you be concerned but telling him to “pull himself together” probably felt more like criticism to him that an offer to help.
Apologising is never easy but if you can show him that you regret losing your temper, you should be able to get him talking again.
Then you can work together to help him through this, probably by finding him something to do that gives him back a purpose and reason to get moving each day.
But if things don’t change, he very likely is depressed, in which case encourage him to see his GP.
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